Quincy Jones Gets Blame For Kanye Saying “MFer” In White House. Use Of The Word Has Tripled Since Netflix Special.

In an official statement, White House officials said that Quincy Jones was partially to blame for Kanye’s bizarre appearance on Thursday. Since the release of Quincy on Netflix. millions across the nation have reported using the word MFer three times as much since watching the documentary.   “It’s influenced how I preach” said Pastor Cephus Jenkins of The Double Dutch Rock and Wobble Baptist Church. “I now find myself talking like Quincy. Last Sunday I told the congregation ‘Let me tell about this cat Jesus man….he was a heavy dude, a real heavy dude man..don’t mess with that Messiah.’ Yeah, I almost slipped”. It isn’t known if Kanye has seen the documentary or if Kanye would find Quincy Jones impressive enough to emulate.

Couple Decides To Get Married After First Date Because “It’s Too Damn  Expensive To Be Going Out On All These Dates”

Los Angeles- Shortly after the bill for dinner arrived, Ellis Marshall and Geri Humphrey decided to get married.  “I was going to pay, I’m a gentleman like that but she insisted on paying half. When she saw that four drinks, an appetizer, two entrees and two coffees came out to $120.00 she said ‘We might as well get married now, who can afford to keep going out?’. It made sense to me” said Marshall who concluded that the couple could save about $15,000.00 if they skipped dating and an average three year relationship before getting married. “We can just get married, stay at home and do nothing like most married folks. We’d save a lot of money.” Asked if she loved Marshall, Ms. Humphrey replied “What I love is having somebody pay half of this rent. We’re both from the south so paying $2000.00 a month for a one bedroom apartment is ridiculous.  We could own a 3-4 bedroom house for that back home” Asked if they will look to buy a home, Marshall shook his head no. “Don’t make no sense out here. If we were still in our teens, it would make sense. Wer’e in our late 20’s, by the time we paid a house off out here, we’d be heading to a nursing home. I’m just happy to have someone to split the bills with ”

 

Airline To Ban Emotional Support Animals & Allow Emotional Support Alcohol and Weed.

Las Vegas-Freddy Mann boarded a flight to Atlanta with a pint of Hennessy and two chocolate chip cookies made with marijuana. Thanks to United Airlines new policy of allowing customers to board with their own “comfort” alcohol and edible forms of marijuana.  The Airline is discontinuing it’s policy of allowing comfort animals and is replacing it with one which will allow anxious passengers to self medicate. United CEO Oscar Munoz said the policy needed to be changed. “It started with small dogs but before you knew it, folks were bringing not only larger dogs but all kinds of animals. Birds, lizzards, cats, it was like Noah’s Ark on those damn planes. Last week a woman with head lice insisted on getting on board saying they were her comfort animals. Let ’em get drunk and high.  Nobody’s allergic to someone talking too much then falling asleep”.  Asked if he will miss the policy allowing animals Mr. Mann responded “Naw, traveling with my dog was a pain in the ass. From now on I’m gonna be flying high in the friendly skies.”

Couple Married for 63 Years File For Divorce. Husband Says He Knew It Wouldn’t Last.

San Bernadino, CA.- After 63 years of marriage, Quentin and Lotty Woodburn are calling it quits.  The couple says they both had their doubts going into it and don’t think they can work things out. “I think we should just end it now” says Lotty. “I Don’t want to spend the rest of my life married to someone and wondering if there is somebody else out there better suited for me.”  The couple was asked if they considered going to counseling. “That would be a waste of time and money” said Quentin. “When you know, you know. I just feel bad that we wasted the time of everybody who came to our wedding.” The couple said they will do their best to return all of their wedding gifts.