Paris Hilton Banned From Wearing Catsuit At Essence Festival!

New Orleans, LA- Essence Festival 2019 has announced that Paris Hilton will not be allowed to wear a catsuit anywhere within the festival. Essence Magazine Editor Vanessa Bush said in a statement: “Not everyone should wear a catsuit and we don’t want this fine garment disrespected by someone who couldn’t properly fill it out”.  While Hilton isn’t expected to attend the festival, Bush said it was a safety measure. “We just can’t take that chance. It’s my responsibility to avoid any potential disasters”.  Featured performer and Essence Festival fashion consultant Sir Mix-A-Lot commented “You can’t wear one unless you  got buns hun.”

Porn Shop Owner Petitions Against Catholic Church

Gary, Indiana-Ray Pratcher, the owner of the She Bucket Naked Porn Outlet has started a petition against the building of a Catholic Church on the same block of his adult store.  “A Catholic Church isn’t something we need in this neighborhood” said Pratcher. “We have kids in this area and I’m concerned for their well being” Pratcher isn’t the only one with concerns. Local resident Patricia Freeman was the first person to sign the petition ” I’ve got twin boys and I don’t know if they’ll be safe. The porn shop won’t let you in if you’re under 18. That church will let kids in at any age and Lord knows what will happen to them once they go inside.”

 

Police Officer Shoots Black Panther Roller Coaster Ride at Amusement Park. Says He Feared For His Life

 

 

Six Flags Valencia, CA.- An off duty police officer shot the new Black Panther The Ride attraction at a well known amusement park. Officer Jimmy Griffin who was off duty at the time shot the ride 8 times shortly after getting on. In a statement Officer Griffin said ” I thought I was going to die. I’ve never come across something that big that could hurl me around like I was nothing.” When asked about his experience on The Captain American Ride which claimed the lives of five people a year ago due to structural problems Officer Griffin stated “I rode it today. We were stuck on it for an hour. That ride needs help, it has a lot of problems but deserves a chance to be great. You can’t blame a ride when the design system fails it.”. One witness to the shooting of Black Panther the Ride said “The ride should have complied, I was sitting behind Officer Griffin and several times you could hear him screaming ‘Oh God, oh God, oh God! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!’ but the ride kept going.”.   Another park goer, Jennifer Schulte aka Barbecue Becky visiting from Oakland CA. said she called the police earlier in the day because the ride looked suspicious.   The ride is expected to survive. Officer Griffin was placed on paid administrative leave and plans to spend some of his time off at the amusement park.

Man Quits Klan Because He Can’t Use Sheets Made With Egyptian Cotton.

Lutts, Tennessee- Will “Billy Boy” Blacksmith turned in his Klan robes on Thursday when it was discovered that they were made with Egyptian cotton. “I get it” said Blacksmith “I should be using good old American sheets with American cotton but dagnabit, that there Egyptian cotton feels mighty fine against my skin and it breathes a helluva lot better. I paid a pretty penny for those 900 thread count sheets and some sonnabitch gonna tell me I can’t wear ’em? That’s when I started to think the Klan might not have all the right ideas. I gets to thinkin’ how can you be inferior when you know how to make quality cotton and pyramids?”.  Asked if he will miss being a member of the KKK Blacksmith said “I guess but it’s their fault really. They couldn’t teach me to hate people more than I hate chafed skin.  I can’t give up the comfort of my Egyptian cotton so I had to quit.”.  Asked what he would do now that he’s no longer in the KKK, Griffin answered “I’ve always wanted to go to Freaknik in Atlanta, are they still doing that?”.