Cam Newton is known for wearing loud clothes. At last week’s press conference, his hair was also heard. Literally. In the middle of a post game press conference his uniquely styled twists and locks spoke up proclaiming “I am Groot”. Groot was thought to be a fictional character in Marvel Comics which is a living creature in the form of a tree. Newton’s hair has apparently become a real living Groot. At press time, it was not known if Newton’s hair or Groot Newton as it has become known has any of the powers of the Marvel character. What is known is that Groot Newton is not fond of the scarfs and clothes Cam wears. During the press conference Groot Newton said “I am Groot, I am Groooooot” which translates to “Do ya’ll see this sh*t he covers me in? He looks like Russell Westbrook and Mr. Furley had a baby”

SEX WORKER AT RETIREMENT HOME REMAINS THE WORST JOB IN AMERICA ACCORDING TO FORBES.

Since it began keeping track, Forbes magazine has again listed “Sex worker at a retirement home” as the worst job in America. Interviews with sex workers across the country seem to back up the findings by Forbes. “No human, animal or figment of someone’s imagination should have to endure the things I have hustling in retirement homes” said a sex worker who would only identify himself by his working name “Pizazz”. When asked if he serviced only women or men, he answered “I don’t know, after the age of 88, testicles and vaginas look the same. You seriously can’t tell the difference so I have no idea and to be honset, I’d rather not know.” The Urban Beet also spoke with Rapture, a sex worker who retired then unretired once she arrived at the Spry Fox Retirement Home said she has seen things that should be visible only to doctors and plumbers. “The advanced elderly are the worst because they don’t care about anything anymore and want to do things they’ve never have or have and forgotten about. I pray I can forget some of the things I’ve done.” The biggest issue is getting paid explains Pizazz. “They’re lucid and sharp as a tack when the sex is going down but as soon as it’s done they act like they forgot what just happened. Sometimes you have to service the same person three or four times because they insist they don’t remember you performing whatever vile sex act you just did and won’t pay up until you do it again and again….and again. I got hip and started recording on my phone to show them that it just happened and if I don’t get paid, their grandchildren will go on Instagram and find out granny was not just knee deep but she was totally deep when she did the freak with me. I gets paid then” The Urban Beet could not find a resident of a retirement home willing to talk about the issue.

57 YEAR OLD MAN THINKS IT MIGHT BE TIME TO REMOVE HIS NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK TATTOO.

57 Year old Timothy “Tim Tim” Verjinsky, a self proclaimed super fan of the early 90’s boy band New Kids On The Block says it may be time to remove the tattoo he has of the band on his back. “It might look kinda of silly for a man my age to have a tattoo of his favorite band on his back.” Verjinsky says that to be fair, he was just a youngster when he got the tattoo. “I was only 27 years old then….only seven years from being a teenager so you can understand why I’d do such a thing.” Verjinsky says he doesn’t want to embarrass his grandchildren. “My wife and I had four kids and some of them have kids. I think my kids were a little embarrassed and I don’t want my grand kids to feel the same way.” Timothy’s wife Rachel says he shouldn’t worry about his grandchildren being embarrassed . “Those aren’t his grandchildren because not one of the kids I gave birth to belongs to him. Bad enough I married him. No way I’d reproduce with a man like that.” Verjinsky was unfazed. “I just wish she could have had a kid by one of the members of NKOTB. That would’ve been cool.”